I just want to give up. Sometimes just simply engaging in this world seems like too big of a task. There are too many times where I have built up the courage to engage in day to day life, but have only been let down. Everyone seems so disconnected.I want to live in a world where everyone is totally in love with everyone. Where you are loved and accepted just because you exist, and you are shown endless support on your own unique journey through this world. If we were all like that, just imagine what this world would be like.

Sometimes I fantasize about living in the psych ward at a hospital, because it's the only place I can think of where letting every emotion run it's course is totally normal. Even though some people that have to stay there are chemically imbalanced, I think they can actually teach us a lot. Same with babies. Both babies and crazy people don't give a shit about censoring their urges and impulses. When they're pissed they scream and cry, when they're happy they laugh until they feel fulfilled, when they're just plain unsatisfied with the world, they throw a fit. Every emotion is expressed. The up's and down's of life are given their full attention. THEY are engaged in the world, yet often times their behavior is looked at as needing to be "fixed". Maybe the crazy people at the psych ward are actually the one's doing it right, and everyone else is fucked up.

machine

Sometimes this world feels like a machine.

We’re born into this world and we’re instantly taught how to walk, talk, eat, behave. A few years later we’re put in a building and fed information, tested on it, made “better”, “smarter” until we’ve learned what needed to be learned in that building, then we graduate. Then we move on to the next building where we get to learn how to do a job. Then we graduate from that building and start our job where we get to be slaves to the machine, and use our brain full of knowledge to make it better and faster and more efficient until we start to break down and get old and useless. And then we die.

Seriously? Is that my purpose on this earth? To be a little piece in this big machine? To have no individuality, creativity or freedom?

I know that I’ve been brain washed because everything I do or imagine doing that goes against that “machine mentality” feels scary and wrong. Why does it feel like conformity is encouraged so much more than individuality?

Wouldn’t it be great if adults actually encouraged us to question things? To push us to find our own path, our own truth in this life? The overall message I got from the teachers in high school was that college was the "right" choice. If only we could be encouraged to do what felt right to us, i feel like it would liberate so many of us from this “story” we tell ourselves about what we can and can’t do in this world. It’s only a story, yet it has the potential to ruin people if they believe it is truly who they are. I am so grateful every day for the few adults in my life who DO encourage me to question things and rebel.

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” -Harold Whitman


Also, this song makes me laugh and kinda fits with this post :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEvEEcc9iC8

insomnia

I think i'm afraid of sleep. It doesn't make sense because I love sleep, but when it's 2AM and everyone else is going to bed, I start to dread sleeping. I find useless things to keep me awake. Like right now, I'm writing a blog post when I could be sleeping. Yesterday I made chocolate chip waffles. Sometimes I think it's a way of avoiding my thoughts, because at the end the the day while i'm lying in bed trying to sleep, the thoughts I wanted to avoid all day suddenly creep into my brain and beg for my attention.

I'm tired of writing now. bye!

P.S. Here's a pretty flower from my garden!

first post

hi! click on my ads please! I'll write more meaningful posts later when my brain is working better.